good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
