I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
