True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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