I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
