Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I fill condoms, not promises.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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