He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
