Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
