omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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