he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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