Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
