im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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