I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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