YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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