We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
