Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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