high people should be assigned attendants
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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