Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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