U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
