i was born a porn star she said
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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