happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
