I am in a vortex of obligation.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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