Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
