people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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