My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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