I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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