I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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