In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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