Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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