it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
