I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
