i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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