Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
