boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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