So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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