Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
