I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
