i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
