Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
