Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
