no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
