there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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