I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
