what day is it and did you see me today?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
