I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
