Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
