Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
