There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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