My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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