It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
