Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
