I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
